Physical Address
304 North Cardinal St.
Dorchester Center, MA 02124
Like bankers’ wellies on a grouse shoot, there was not a speck of mud on members using word cowpats as weapons
Copy link
twitter
facebook
whatsapp
email
Copy link
twitter
facebook
whatsapp
email
For fans of topsy-turvydom, there probably isn’t a better sight than a Labour Government answering Defra questions. The very air these people breathe is laced with contempt for people who grow their food, are responsible for the realities of conserving the environment; or just happen to live outside an urban postcode. It’s like having the big bad wolf answer questions on housing standards for pigs or inviting Alastair Campbell to opine on integrity in public life. And in what mad, parallel world could that possibly happen?
Anyway, to business. Unsurprisingly many MPs with rural constituencies were hopping mad at the Government’s recent raid on family farms. Answering them – which is a generous description of repeating the lie that almost nobody will be affected – were the Secretary of State, Steve Reed, the MP for the Arcadian vale of Streatham and Croydon North, and his two deputies, members for the leafy bowers of central Cambridge and Coventry East respectively. Like bankers’ wellies – although for this gaggle, perhaps a Spoonerised version is more appropriate – on a grouse shoot, there was not a speck of mud between them.
When the flak came, Reed dived for cover. Even the most vigorous beater might have struggled to flush him out. Instead the lamentable Cantabrigian Daniel Zeichner stepped into the field, and thence straight into a series of cowpats. When asked a very reasonable question about whether it might be possible to find an exemption for farms that had been in families for generations, Zeichner produced a word cowpat of his own – it was a complicated policy, but there would be “further discussions”. Well that clears that up then.
“The minister has accused the Conservatives of scaremongering,” began Scots Tory MP John Lamont. “Is the National Farmers’ Union of Scotland also scaremongering?” Zeichner boasted that he frequently met, and “fully respected”, the NFU. Doubtless he will be at the front of the queue to “fully respect” the thousands of furious NFU members scheduled to march in London next Tuesday.
Keighley and Ilkley MP Robbie Moore complained that it had been difficult to examine the details when the Treasury and Defra couldn’t themselves agree on how many farms would be affected. On Wednesday evening, Newsnight had reported Defra complaints at being blindsided over the “surprise” changes in the Budget. Would the Government release an impact assessment, pleaded Moore? Would they heck! The shade of his IT worker past still hovers over Zeichner; these were ‘government answers by computer’. And computer always says no.
“No farms, no food. No farmers, no food.” barked Dr Neil Hudson of Epping Forest. “Will the Government please now admit they have got this catastrophically wrong?” A brave attempt from Dr Hudson; but, alas, getting a straight answer out of this lot is like explaining integral calculus to a hen – both maddening and futile. Mr Zeichner loftily encouraged him to consult people who “know about it”. Listen to the experts, he cried, just not the NFU, the Country Land and Business Association, the Countryside Alliance, most British farmers, and, it seems, his own department.
The rage wasn’t just emanating from the Tory benches; Tim Farron was apoplectic. There was a masterclass in “damning with faint praise” from his Lib Dem colleague, Orkney and Shetland MP Alistair Carmichael, who congratulated the Secretary of State, ominously, on the “achievement of the Budget”. Mr Reed’s already-pink cheeks momentarily turned a deeper shade of puce. “In 23 years in this House,” continued Carmichael, “I have never seen such a degree of unity between different farming organisations in their response to it.” Farmer Reed suddenly resembled a sow with sunburn, both flushed and angry.
Copy link
twitter
facebook
whatsapp
email
English